In this article we're going to go over celebrating your 100th birthday, taking a slightly humorous stance.

Let's face it, not many people live to be a hundred years old, especially not in the United States where people are bombarded by terrible air pollution, second hand smoke, asbestos, crime and the relentless assault of Brady Bunch reruns. It's amazing anyone lives beyond fifty.

But for the very lucky few who get to be a hundred, it is only fitting that a special celebration should take place. Of course there are a few things you need to be careful about when planning a hundredth birthday for someone.

For starters, you have to be very careful when sending an invitation to this person. You don't want a card that when opened blasts out "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic." The last thing you want is your birthday boy or girl to keel over before the big event.

Also, when planning the party you want to make sure you have it at a place that doesn't have any stairs. If you're planning a 5 PM dinner you're going to have to get your guest of honor to the hall by noon just to make sure they get into the building. So please, no stairs. Either that, or plan to bring a U-Haul along to cart your guest of honor into the dining hall.

That brings us to the dinner itself. It is doubtful that the birthday person is going to have his or her own teeth. So dinners that are composed of corn on the cob and a pack of jaw breakers would really not be in very good taste. Plan to have an extra helping of strained peas or carrots. A bib wouldn't hurt either. Hey, to make things simple, just pretend it's a birthday for your 2 year old.

Then there is the issue of music. Let's be sensible here. You're not going to get your guest of honor to get up and boogie to the Hustle or the Electric Slide. To be safe, just bring along some Perry Como records and an accordion player. Your birthday person will feel right at home. If you want something a little up-tempo you could try throwing in a few Frank Sinatra records. Of course if you really want this person to feel at home a few Rudi Valley recordings will do the trick.

As for dessert, you have to have a cake. And it has to be a special cake. After all, it's 100 years on this planet. So really make it fancy. However, you really should ease up on the candles. Forgetting about how big a cake you would need to fit 100 candles, you don't want your guest of honor to have to blow them all out. As a matter of fact, you can forget the candles altogether. One will be enough to bring on a cardiac arrest.

Finally, you want to make sure your guest of honor gets home in one piece and has a good time. They may not be asleep for the whole party but just the fact that they're still alive is something to be amazed at.